Struggling to Create
And a meaningful conclusion from that
I’m struggling with Creating. Clearly, as I haven’t posted anything other than a note in over a year. Some of that is logistical. I just had my second child 2 months ago (girl dad x2!), our family of three moved 6 months ago (for the second time in a year), and the past year of my day job has challenged me greatly. In the background of all of this, I’ve continued to navigate frustrating chronic health issues. This is of course without mentioning the ever increasing changes and horrors on societal and global levels (insanity in the US, ongoing genocide in Gaza, etc).
I’m not trying to make excuses or pretend that you as a writer, a Creative, a Human don’t have your own very Real challenges. I’m a straight white man in the US, I’m not bemoaning my situation or attempting to compare. I’m just being honest — with mySelf and with you. I’m also not beating mySelf up about this. As someone who used to struggle with a strong inner critic and moments of self-loathing, I’ve learned how to (genuinely) give mySelf Grace; I’m not mad, just a bit frustrated and disoriented.
(However, I was able to extend mySelf even more compassion after seeing the birds-eye view of the past year. Therefore, I recommend trying out this exercise of listing out the realities/challenges your life has presented you.)
Needing Space: evolution & integration
Really what struggling to Create has come down to is — I’ve needed Space.
I’ve needed Space to integrate all that has occurred in my personal life and that continues to go on in the world. It can be so difficult to prioritize ourselves and our home lives when it feels like the world needs saving. Yet sometimes it’s all we can do (and what we should do… more on this another post). Additionally, it is so deeply important that we understand how we are exposed to more events, media, stimulation, atrocities, and “energy” than ever before. Our nervous systems have not had time to adapt to this and evolve appropriately. Each of our systems is being challenged in a novel way day in and day out. Please, give yourSelf Grace for that. Feel into the immensity of that. Then, pay it forward and extend that Grace to others. None of this is “normal” relative to how humans have lived for millennia.
I’ve needed Space to zoom out and truly understand the trajectory of humanity & our Collective consciousness. The events that we see playing out are simply manifestations of the trajectory that humanity has been on, Patterns of morphing and spiraling pain and trauma. Nothing occurring should be a surprise, everything is and has been a very logical progression of the path we’ve been on. (We’ve just been oblivious to the writing on the wall as privileged individuals in the Western world.) So rather than continue to stay wrapped up in the emotional reactivity to all of the ills of the world occurring each and every moment, and the trap that that is, I’ve done my best to zoom out and understand what is being asked of us as Humans alive in a wild, pivotal time.
I’ve needed Space to understand how I am meant to Show Up in the world — as a single cell in the vastness that is the Web of Life. I know mySelf more deeply and clearly than ever before (largely in part due to all of the challenges in my life, in which I continue to be frustrated with because #human, but which I know I owe a debt of gratitude to). To truly know oneself is such a beautiful precious thing, one in which I wish all humans could experience. That said, this clarity has required that I step back and ask mySelf “Who, and how, do I want to Be?” I’ve had to acknowledge where mySelf, and my voice, was continuing to be led by ego rather than heart & soul. I’ve had to let go of and grieve the ways in which I had always craved to be seen and perceived, and the wounds that made that so.
I’ve needed Space to let all of the above come together — to integrate these findings into a Human consciousness, heart, and soul.
Am I worthy of Creating?
On top of all that (oh you thought we were done? I said I was struggling didn’t I?!)…
I oscillate between feeling like what I have to offer the world matters…
…and that what I’m saying is nothing new / others are saying it better / it probably shouldn’t be coming from my mouth regardless.
I acknowledge that the latter are stories I’m telling myself, but like any limiting beliefs it’s difficult when there are shards of truth within.
I ultimately believe that this moment calls for all Humans, all Creatives — that there is no voice unworthy of Sharing, as long as it is with humility and compassion.
(I believe it so much that it is why I first quit my corporate job in 2013 [you can read my story/background here] after reading “The Icarus Deception” by Seth Godin [tldr; everyone is an Artist and has something to offer] and was the initial namesake of my podcast.)
Contributing to the cycle of Consumption
My final struggle has been, “Do I really spend precious time and energy, my life force, ‘producing’ — adding my voice to the din and just perpetuating our already-too-large demand for consumption?”. There is so much good stuff here on Substack alone. I can’t possibly read all of it and neither can you.
(N)or should we(?)…
If we’re using all of our time & energy to Consume, how can we be doing amazing work in the world?
On the other hand, maybe it’s a great use of our time because we’re becoming Connected to other beautiful Humans and having a light shone onto parts of our heart & soul that have felt unseen in our modern world…
or maybe that we had just forgotten…
or even creating some semblance of gasp hope that we just might be able to shift the tide of our Collective future…
What is Art?
Where does this leave me? Actually… in a place that I feel content with. Not one that I necessarily “love” or am “excited” about, but one that feels right — it feels Real.
All of this has helped me realize what true Creation is (and isn’t).
To truly Create is to do more than “produce a piece of content”. It is to process and craft from the experience and perspective of one node within billions of human ones, and a seemingly infinite number within the entire Web of Life.
While this experience may be unique in detail, the core elements almost certainly aren’t, as they share common threads with many others. The Creative may be an individual, but one that exists within an Interconnected reality. Art is both unique and it isn’t. This is what makes Art. This is what makes Art beautiful.
Creating & Sharing Art brings each of us, and therefore the Collective, closer to Wholeness. It is a mutual experiencing of Reality. It is a process of sense-making and of Healing. There is no good or bad, worthy or unworthy Art — these are human constructs. Art is Truth expressed through a Human lens.
I can’t think of much (anything?) that is more important than this right now.
Here’s to me and to you, Creating & Sharing — and trusting the process and where we are at in it.
Much Love,
Benjamin
So much of what you've written here resonates with my experience. I have grappled with finding the energy, inspiration and confidence to "put pen to paper" for years now, and it's only become more challenging since the pandemic.
I often tell others, "you have a unique contribution to make in the Collective, one that no other being can make." And yet I struggle to take my own words to heart, even as I deeply believe that this is so. And when our thoughts and ideas seem to reflect what others have expressed before us, I believe that this is the Universe amplifying a piece of wisdom and expressing it in a variety of ways so more people will receive it.
Thank you for taking the time you needed to process and digest your experiences. Thank you for interrogating your beliefs and the cultural demands that would have us sacrifice our life force energy to those who would hoard power and resources. Thank you for resting and taking care of yourself.
May the blessings you give to the world return to you tenfold.
I feel this so hard. Thank you for sharing. Spirit keeps calling me to create for the sake of the act of creation. For the practice that is making, whether it be writing or arranging sticks into a neat design on top of a rock on the middle of the woods. It is felt. The energy of my making ripples in all directions. And first and foremost, I feel into the intention and potential of one human's capacity to create something from nothing or transform something into something new. We do this with love, care, and respect... over and over... you got you a way of life. A beautiful mode of living. And so it is. Blessings on the path.